Damp English Air

Dear Dr. Philofbaloney, uh, I mean Philbony:

When I was young (under 20) I might get a common cold during winter.  It might last 3-4 days and be over with.  Now any time I get a sniff of a sniffle, it turns into a full 3-4 week ordeal.

Symptoms include clear stages of severe sore/swollen throat, accompanied by uncontrolled headache-causing, almost blackout-causing, no-sleep-at-night-causing coughing; followed by a thick yellow/green, blood-spotted nucleus spitting sludge; cannot breath head full of snot congestion at night, usually followed by more, dry, rib-cracking, skull-splitting coughing as the infestation finally begins to leave.

What the hell has happened?  Can I go back to having a simple cold?

Thanks,

David Snotgroaner III

England

Dear English Dave:

The symptoms you describe actually induced me to vomit.  I'm 99.89% certain Dr. B will have the same reaction.

Answer to your first question first:  You are doomed.  And you're bringing the rest of us with you.  Like someone -- or something -- out of '28 Days Later'.  Do you feel angrier than usual?  For you own sake hope you're merely a carrier.  Abandon, Dave, those you know and love!

Hmm, you could also be afflicted by a mild form of the Andromeda Strain, the deadly extraterrestrial microorganism that fatally clots human blood.  Has your liver gelatinized recently?

In response to your second question, you might try moving to the desert.  Your fragile immune system would welcome the contrast of warm, dry air to your current environs.

I experienced similar bouts of near-death, uh, "thick-spit" illness while living in Germany.  It's a European thing.  Like techno music.  Or wearing socks with sandals.  Or those funky horn-rimmed glasses that scream "I'M EUROPEAN!!!!".

English air is notoriously cool, damp, and stagnant.  No wonder it's rife with the Rage Virus.  Get out before the quarantine, Dave.

Good night, good luck, and may your god go with you.

 - Philbony